The End is in Sight!

In just a couple of weeks, I will complete a long time goal of mine. I will graduate from college with a Bachelors Degree. At 54, it is fairly uncommon to see other students my age at the university that I attend. So many people I know did not attend college for various reasons and I am happy if they are complete without this achievement. I had not given it too much thought after starting my business over 16 years ago but once all five of my children had attended and graduated from college, I had to rethink my life’s goal. I’ve mentioned this before but with the commencement date approaching, I am growing nervous of what lies ahead.

My life is so different than I had planned it to be at this age. I am taking care of my grandson and work  at my business but I have not expanded much beyond that because of the time constrictions with school and work. Now that the calendar will be wide open, what should I do?  I have focused so much on graduating (possibly cum laude) that I haven’t given much thought past that day. My professors certainly have done their best at preparing us for life after college so to speak, but mostly they were speaking to my much younger classmates who have their whole lives in front of them. I’m on the downhill road at this point and I don’t mean that in a negative way. I’m just being a realist. I would love to move to the mountains, keep working at my business and travel a bit but that is not happening in the near future due to other responsibilities. I wonder sometimes if its to late to have such wishes but without wishes and dreams, where would we be?

Now that the end, as in college, is so near, I’ll have to switch gears once again and find my place in this world. I hope I can find it soon!

Living in Limbo

The past month has been a challenging one for me. As I have said, my grandson has come to live with me. He has been here for just a month and my life is so dramatically different, I hardly recognize it. My grandson has special needs and these needs can be a tough thing to live with. Worse for him than for me but regardless, it affects anyone around him.

He has fallen between the cracks when it comes to true help. Services that are available are not really right for him or they won’t help him because he is too young, too old, wrong insurance, doesn’t live with a parent and on and on. Really it all sounds to me at this point is, “blah, blah, blah, we don’t want to help him or you, so deal with it since it must be something you are doing wrong”. If you do not have superior insurance, tons of money laying around or the right connections, one gets stuck with no direction. Doctors send you to one place and they send you to another. That service turns you away and back to the doctor you go. Its like paddling a boat in a pool. You work really hard to get somewhere but in truth, you are going in circles.

I would give anything to find the right help for my grandson if it is out there. “If” is the key word because I really don’t know if there is help for someone with his issues. So many doctors and none have agreed on his condition. Some say he chooses this. He’s nine for crying out loud!  Perhaps this was a vent blog, but I just want anyone out there that is going through a similar situation with a grandchild to know that you are not alone. I hope to find a support group in the area, but that too seems to allude me.

Regrets? Of course!

While many of my classmates look forward to the coming weeks, commencement ceremonies and parties, I am not able to focus on those types of things. Its a trade off  when you get a degree at my age. You already have responsibilities, a job, children, life experience and the such. My classmates have an open slate before them. My slate has been written on and there is not very much space left. The bad thing about that slate is that you cannot erase any of it. It is permanent, forever, unchangeable. Therefore, I would like to say to my fellow classmates and friends alike “You can never change the past, so make sure your future is worth remembering!”

To say I wouldn’t change some things in my past would be telling tales. I hear people say they have no regrets but I am not one of them. Of course, I have regrets and I find it hard to believe anyone can get through their life without some. In fact, I could not list all of my regrets in this blog. However, since I realize that regrets don’t change a thing, I choose to move forward and I plan to make my remaining time on the Earth something I want to do and who I want to be. You should do the same!

The Dog Days of “Winter” and Cliché

“The dog days of summer” are truly a geographic cliché since, in Florida, we have these in the winter months too. I like the days when you lay around doing nothing but sleeping, waking only for eating and bathing (optional) and then back to the rug (bed). However, I can only recall doing this about 4 times in my life. My life is often filled with never ending clichés. I had a favorite, “Life sucks and then you die”. I was informed long ago that this saying is not positive, acceptable or ladylike so I ditched it for the much more politically correct “Life’s a beach” but think the other one, in my head, anyway

My childhood favorite is “If you have time to do it twice, you have time to do it right the first time” as I trounced off to the barn to re-slop a pig or pick hay out of a crack. If you had to hear this repeatedly as a child, then I’m sorry for you. If you had to hear this repeatedly as a child and you were my child, then take heed, its a good one.Feeling down and warn out? Well then you just “Buckle your grit and pull yourself up by your boot straps”. It never occurred to me to ask what grit was or say I had tennis shoes with ties not straps.

There is a website dedicated to cliches and some I have heard repeatedly and others never before. If you want to freshen up your cliché bank when you need to cheer someone up here is the link: http://utopia.knoware.nl/users/sybev/cliche/stupid.htm.   I strongly suggest skipping the clichés and speaking from your heart. A cliche will probably pop out anyway, but try to think of something new and intelligent. Telling someone “they are not the only one in a boat” only makes a person realize 7 other people are miserable too!

Can Time be Stretched?

Hello again. It is a beautiful day in Orlando and I have a new charge in my life. My 9 year old grandson has come to live with me. He needed a change of scenery and I volunteered to help make that happen. The decision was made while I was visiting Texas during Spring Break. I knew there was a possibility that he would return to Florida with me but I was not 100% sure until I purchased his plane ticket on Saturday, the day before we left.

Before his arrival, I really did not feel I had any extra time. Between a full time job and a full time load of classes (5 courses) at UCF, I was already unable to find time for visiting with friends, reading, movies or anything extracurricular. Nose in the books at work and at school had me stumped for finding more time.  Well, by throwing a precocious, hyperactive, nine year old into that schedule, I now realize I had much more time than I imagined!

My grandson could be considered high maintenance and such a large life change has not been an easy one for him. How could it be? He is only nine and left behind everything he has really ever known. Although, family is only a phone call away, it is still a major transition for him and for me. We are working through it together. The week I went to Texas, he was on Spring Break, now Orlando schools are on Spring Break so we have had quite a bit of time together. I think we will both be glad when he returns to school and I return to less eventful week days.

Tweenie, Weenie and Meanie

I am in Houston, as in Texas. You know the state that thinks it is a country within the USA.  Don’t laugh, I’ve seen more state flags flying over the US flag here than US flags over the state flag. At the moment, I am being a Mimi and a mom. I left my business owner and student hat back in Orlando for when I return on Sunday or more likely, Monday early a.m. As with most times in my life, I have to wear a different hat with different people. Some call this compartmentalization; I call it coping. My grandson will be returning to Orlando with me so I will be a full time Mimi for some time to come.

My granddaughter, the Tween, is almost 12 (going on 16). I like to observe her become different identities depending on the people around her. When she is at home, she is fun, lively, funny, friendly and loving. Add one of her friends to that mix and another person emerges immediately. Today, it was a quiet friend so my Tween whispered to her friend; would only speak to me if spoken too; walked either 30 feet ahead or 30 feet behind me when in public (I am not sure what the “preferred” distance is but it seems to get longer the older she gets). This is a new era in our relationship. My daughter never went through this stage although her friends did. I was always cool and fun enough to hang out with. Not so with my Tween. If she even heard that word, she would cringe. She tells me she is not a tween but a young teenager. I tell her its semantics.

I am certainly the weenie meanie in this post. I hate controversy and chaos so I find myself doing whatever it takes to keep the peace, hence I am a weenie. I am only here for a few days, so why not. Pick my battles with my grand kids who have grown to despise one another. The usual fights of “he’s looking out my window”, “she locked her door”, “he is so immature”, “she is the worst sister ever” and on and on it goes. I want peace but there is only so far I am willing to be pushed to achieve that goal. One wants pizza and one wants a burger. Fine, we get both. One wants to watch Sponge Bob, the other wants DUFF. Fine we find a theater with both films showing and split up.

However, I lose my weenie hat and grab my meanie one the moment the verbal and physical behavior gets past #1. I have no patience for hate words, personal attacks or physical contact unless it’s a friendly hug. I become the meanie Mimi from hell. So far, it has been working and they have been really very good. I’m sure they are making a big effort to break from their normal familial interaction.

As I have said, my life is about to change in a big way. My youngest child was 9 years old over 15 years ago. I never thought I’d wear that hat again. Life has a way of surprising me though. My grandson is coming to stay with me for a bit and so I will once again being wearing  new hat that I have never worn, the mi-mom hat. Being a Mimi and a surrogate Mom for a bit should be interesting with my schedule but I love my children and grand children and would climb to the moon for them if I had too!

Spring Break or Spring Broke?

Ahhh, I can feel and hear it in the air as I walk to my class on campus. The entire atmosphere of the campus is filled with something new or fresh. I can’t really put my finger on any one thing that feels differently but something does. Classmates are more energetic, their mood is more optimistic and that is when I first realize, oh yes, the break is here. Spring break is a big deal at any college but since UCF is my school, I feel it here.  I hear the others talking of mini-cruises, the beach, backpacking, a trip to DC and hope no one asks about my big plans. Why, you say? Because my spring break is more like spring broke.

Not only am I unable to fly or cruise off to some exotic destination because of finances (all my extra money goes straight back into my business for inventory), but I have a job that does not take a break, ever. Being a business owner has it perks but it has a few pitfalls too and this is one of them. I cannot close down for a week! My customers need products and they need them today so 3 days is my maximum for closing down the office/warehouse.

I also am working on an undergrad research paper that cannot be ignored during the 9 days of no school (including weekends). So my break will be a bit different than the 20 something crowd that I go to school with. I really don’t mind though. I have my eye on a prize, and for me, that alone is worth the non-vacation break. I will be taking 3 days to squinch off a visit with my grandchildren and my son in Houston. Short and sweet but better some than none, right?  Perhaps something exciting will happen by the time of my next blog which is due on Friday. I hope I can report something fantastic!  See you then.

Oopsa Daisy, Not Again

Okay, so I have told of my life in very simple terms. From reading my posts you can probably tell I wear different hats at different times. I am a parent, a student and a business woman and not in any particular order these days. Of course, my children come first, but they are all adults and really don’t need much from me these days so I guess the toss up is between student and business owner.  I would love to put business owner first since that is my passion, my creation and my bread and butter but these days, in my final semester at UCF, I think the student hat is winning.

I have a calendar loaded with seemingly never ending assignments. Some reading, some written, some action, some just plain old busy work (no offense to those Professors but that is what it is). Once again, I find myself backed up with assignments due by March 1 and so again, I have to devote my entire weekend to doing this work. It does not matter that my daughter is in town, visiting from Washington DC, that I have been invited to get together with old friends for drinks and dinner or that my favorite author is releasing a new book this weekend.  All of that has to be put on the back burner for school work. I guess I could just do a mediocre job on the assignments and accept mediocre grades, but that is not who I am. When I do something, I want to do it right and to the best of my ability. So I say “oopsa daisy, not again” because if I had not watched that movie mid-week or gone shopping the other day, I might not be so backed up with school work for the weekend. The end is in sight and if I keep my eye on that goal, the weekend doesn’t seem quite so appealing.

Up, Up and Away

Today I have been thinking about how far I have come in my life. Being born and raised in rural Pennsylvania did not provide much social or cultural exposure. Of course, when I was young, I accepted my life for what it was and didn’t realize there were other cultures, places or people outside the small circle I lived in. I was aware of these things but they had nothing to do with me.

As I got older, I realized there was so much world out there that I would never be able to see or experience it all. That is a sad prospect but looking at the “cup half full” view, that means I should not have any trouble seeing and experiencing new things until the day I die. I did what I had set out to do as a young woman and that was to raise my children to the best of my ability and make sure they all received a college degree of some sort or the other.

When that was done, I was a bit lost in life. If you had asked me five years ago, “what do you want to do with the rest of your life?” I would not have had an answer other than “I don’t know”.  I am happy to say that today, I can answer that question. I want to keep learning, seeing, and experiencing everything I can, while I can and as soon as I can!  College has given me the confidence to take charge and get my life in order. I feel like I am living in an upward trajectory as I get ready to graduate and on the final day when I cross the stage to receive my diploma, I will be well on my way to not only a new life, but a better one. So, I am going up, up and away!

Playing the Catch Up Game Every Day

Being a student and a full time business owner has its good points and its bad ones. Four of my five classes are online so I only go to the campus about 1-2 times per week.  I am an online business owner, so I can work from home most days. In fact, sometimes I do not leave my home for a week. I don’t mind this seclusion and really don’t have time to think much about it. School and work keep me so busy that I play catch up most days and never really do meet that goal. If I do my schoolwork early, I have a great feeling of accomplishment but it is so short lived that it almost seems pointless to try so I don’t get all the work done when I can and mix up business with school time.

Work is another endless project. I really do need to hire more help to assist in the business aspect of my life but with my studies taking up much of my “free” time; I have no time left to train anyone so my current employees are bogged down almost as much as I am. I am stuck in a sad cycle of too much work, not enough time or help, playing the CATCH-UP Game every day. One good thing that comes out of having so many projects is that I save the least liked ones for last and somehow end up have productive procrastination. There’s a tune from my childhood from Schoolhouse Rocks, an after school program on PBS. The song was called “Cooperation Makes it Happen”… but I have changed the words to the tune into “procrastination makes it happen”, since in my life this is true.